| (no subject) |
[Feb. 16th, 2006|03:26 pm] |
life is awesome. i'm quite in love with it right now ... to be 26, not tied down to ANYTHING and to have every single opportunity that i could possibly think of right in front of me (financial issues non-withstanding)is one of the most amazing feelings ever.
i am looking to the future with such excitement and passion right now, and it's especially meaningful considering that i've been in quite the blah slump for the past, like, year or something.
i can't wait until i can start nailing down moving plans, housing and job and such ... it's gonna be so exciting to be able to afford a "WHOLE" one bedroom on my own, all cozy and beautiful!!!! (at least i hope i will be able to .. you never know, but i'm pretty sure it should go smoothly)
i love you all, thank you EVERY one of you for all your amazing support and shared excitement during my crazy-new-plan-making-manic-hyper phase :-) |
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| BYE byeee beautiful... |
[Feb. 9th, 2006|04:30 pm] |
*sob* april is fast approaching, as is the end of my time in boston. lease is up, and i can't afford to live here alone, 'specially since i'm going back to school in the fall.
bye bye beautiful boston. i promise i will visit :-)
i am going to cry leaving sabrina, i know that. i am also going to cry leaving the dirty dirty apt i live in now. not cuz it's a good apartment (cuz um it kinda sucks and is not kept up, etc) but cuz it was my first real fun apartment (sad i know) besides willerico ... THAT apartment was an amazing beautiful apartment, big and bright.
anyway ...many updates...after a few weeks (months even) of thinking and trying to figure out what i REALLY wanted to do with my life (and feeling paralyzed with sadness and "blah-ness") something finally CLICKED bigtime - nursing; specifically pediatric of course (i CAN'T not work with kiddos) and/or OB (delivering babies) is where i'd want to end up. AMAZING. it clicked and wheels are in motion, starting in the fall it's all set up and applied for etc.
it may take me forever to figure my shit out sometimes, but when i do, i make it happen. i thought of this new revelation um, a couple weeks ago now (ish) and things are already set for the fall. whoa. i rule.
i will give details to anyone who gives a crap. heh.
besides the heartbreak of leaving boston ('specially the feeling that i'm bailing or have somehow failed to master the city) I AM SO FUCKING EXCITED to educate myself further and get an amazing job that stimulates me every single day. i adore my current job (well, sabrina) and it was perfection for the post undergrad years (since i took my time thru undergrad, part time and working and such, i needed some down time) BUT NOW my brain is just SO fucking ready to be educated/stimulated more and it's an amazing feeling. AMAZING! |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 29th, 2005|02:29 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | FREEZING in this damn house!! | ] |
| [ | music |
| | goober's lullabies over monitor... | ] |
wow. recharging weekend indeed! so i got to k'chuck's about 930-10pm wed night (made awesome time!) and we all cozied up and helped ann finish last minute preps for the next day's amazing meal. GOD i love ann and "charles" they are SO warm and welcoming and excited to see me and happy and loving and affectionate. my family is amazing.
i'd forgotten where my need to give affection had come from during the last few months -- this weekend i remembered. every time we'd walk by each other we'd pat arms or laugh or whatever. never leave a room without hugs and kisses for bedtime. often say "geez! i've missed you!" after cracking up over some joke we'd made in past comfortable get togethers. AAAAH. it was quite definitely healing to my little soul! i've been trying to be so strong and tough lately for a few different reasons (my roomie/friend matt is trying to "teach" me how not to care and how to be less wussy which is good-- i'm trying to get thicker skin. trying to stand up for myself. needing to figure out ME, etc etc) but it was amazing to let go and let down and pour all that "pent-up affection" out to my loved ones.
oh, and my house when i finally someday settle down somehow and get one, will DEFINITELY have a fireplace. i will definitely be sitting by it all the time!!! i love sitting down there cozy and warm and the smell and feel of it, and the music going and the people around me.
it was also awesome to see my brother and allison, his new lady. she was amazing. i was just watching her interact and she was just SO comfortable and unaffected ... just real and relaxed and open and put herself right into our fun little clan. i say thumbs up, 'specially since steven was actually mentioning rings and "you're part of the family now" and all that cuteness, which he's NEVER mentioned about any other woman before - and he's brought home MILLIONS (hah ok but yeh, a LOT). and was with each a long time too ... just wasting time. but now it's just clear, he's found a cool NON-stuckup brat (hah but i do miss the twit a little...hmm) and i'm really happy for him.
quick sidenote ... i'm amazed at myself lately at how awesomely (heh, is that a word?) i've been handling this situation ... i just have NO attachment and just don't care. it's really "liberating?" un-shitty? very un-sarah like actually, hahaha! very. it's good though. i don't know that i've ever been able to take something quite so simply at face value ever before. it is what it is and that is a good thing. probably the complete lack of any affection/niceness that happens? therefore it is just what it is - lust/fun/stupidity that can amuse me when i feel like it. so HAH.
*biggest grin ever*
quite the feeling. only reason i'm saying it here is to put it out there as fact, and to pat myself on the back for, for once, NOT giving a f- and just taking it as it is.
OH and it was really nice to see sarah during her layover at south station. we ran around and laughed at the lack of open restaurants and at how chinatown was as close as we're gonna get to traveling to foreign countries any time soon and we loved how it did feel like a foreign country as we walked just a few blocks. she is a fun girl. mucho adorable and fun.
i am content. i am drama free. people can fabricate all the drama/craziness they want to be part of their lives, but i enjoy just being sarah. content in the situations that i'm in. enjoying myself with good people. not always making a big deal out of everything. this is a change for me since i come from drama. i come from affection as well, but DEFINITELY from THE "drama mama." so this is good. i can rise above the slight negative of what i've come from and embrace the extreme positive of it as well.
oh, and i need to enjoy sarah's gift of um, salad, soon. yeah. salad. she is awesome hahahah.
i love you all.
OH, and wtf is everyone doing for new years??? |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 5th, 2005|11:06 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  mellow | ] |
| [ | music |
| | white stripes, my doorbell | ] |
i smile and make eye contact with strangers often when i'm walking down the sidewalk. sometimes they smile back.
i get lost in moments of immobilizing sadness. but just moments, not minutes or hours or days. only moments.
i laugh. A LOT.
i smile a lot too...
i could live on rice, cept i'd feel "unhealthy" if i actually did.
i honestly would do anything for a friend.
i miss a lot of people and think about them (each) a lot. in different ways, but there are numerous people.
i am too intense a person sometimes ...
someday, someone will realize how amazing i am.
i have "trouble acting normal when i'm nervous" (counting crows, but exactly me)
i am insanely insecure.
i hit the snooze every morning at LEAST 4 times ...
i shower at night on weeknights. weekends it's before i go out to play :-)
i am constantly amazed by people and human nature (hence the psych degree that i have heh)
i often get lost in watching people interact (...damn psychology!)
i can read people very well...except when i try to fool myself into
believing that certain people are better people than they honestly are.
but even in those cases, i know "deep down" who they are.
i love watching insects navigate around on the ground.
i love kissing and kissing and kissing til your lips get numb.
i love talking with best friends til the sun comes up.
i love getting to know new people.
i am loud and ridiculous and give way too much way too fast.
...and there will be someone who adores that about me some day.
i love my bed.
sabrina makes me nauseatingly happy when she says my name or gives me hugs or learns something new that i showed her.
i love inside jokes.
i love cuddling. (duh!)
i have never once been able to turn away attention.
i am sensual and very intense (when i'm in a safe place at least.)
i am very easily excitable.
i am ultra ULTRA sensitive, dramatic and crazy.
one song can change my entire outlook on the day...at least while it's playing :-)
i am extremely affectionate and kind...and sometimes people don't understand that.
i am very easily broken and quite needy sometimes.
i act more happy than i am a good percentage of the time.
i can't lie to save my life.
i love checking email.
i am way too flirty...
i love the "possibility" of sexuality better than the actual act
sometimes ... that intense feeling in the air, the amazing curiosity of
what it would be like...
i love zip-up fleece and hoodies.
i touch people while i talk to make a point ...often. (unless i pick up on the fact that you don't want me to. which i usually do.)
i am an entirely open book, entirely transparent (...most of the time)
I AM SARAH. i like me. i love me. you should too :-D |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 25th, 2005|10:44 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | alone | ] |
| [ | music |
| | matisyahu - king w/o a crown | ] |
aii!!
that's a funny noise. yes it is.
why can i walk around invisible? what is so wrong?
so say i drew a line in the dirt. would you know to lower yourself to touch it?
***
"you were tossing, mumbling something" "you seemed upset" "you seemed uncomfortable" "i thought you were awake" "i thought you wanted to talk"
"i was watching you sleep"
"hey there, morning!"
the very instant consciousness floated into me
every morning
you were there
"i was watching you sleep"
the sound of your voice
that look in your eyes, so pure and kind
actual loving.
"i thought you were waking up. you were sighing."
"i was watching you sleep"
***
a throwback to years ago ... i just love remembering when he loved me, it always warms me :-)
and hey, i can always use some warmth to wash away my silly constant moments of sad :-)
man, i am endlessly enviously (hah) of people who have no f-ing emotions!!! i just am so easily smooshed! i know many of the things that i dwell on, or that affect me, good AND bad, have almost no affect on other people. i feel like i'm the only one who is so ultra freakin sensitive!! i'm not sure why i am so ... soft? geeeez! toughen up!
and sometimes it begs the question, WTF is WRONG with people?? i kind of hate people. i guess thats because i love them so much. human nature is so gorgeous and hilarious and amazing it's just too much sometimes.
i did meet a nice person this weekend who seems genuinely gentle and kind, and meeting people like him always makes me think, i wish MORE people could be like that. i hope to have made a cool new friend who is actually (easy) walking distance from my apartment! but anyway, sidenote there :) i'm just kinda dorkily excited to have met another brighton person :-D
it's weird, settling yourself in a new city. for some people it's fast, but for me, as with like everything in my life (haha) it's pleasantly slow. i take my time and when i'm ready i branch out.
er .. something :) |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 19th, 2005|01:47 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | relaxed | ] |
| [ | music |
| | her lullabys over the monitor | ] |
small list of names i call sabrina, aka doodoo:
-DOODOO!!! :-D
-big girl
-cutest
-stinky (stinky face)
-stinkerific-stinkeroo
-goober
-gooberific-gooberoo
-love-of-my-life
-lovey-doo
-lover
-angel
-bunny
-cute-buns/bum
-blue-eyes
mmm :-D i love my little fuck face
hahahaha |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 12th, 2005|11:07 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | content | ] |
| [ | music |
| | transplants, DJ DJ! | ] |
so as of yesterday the first of my ex's (that i know of anyway) is married. hilarious.
he'd actually been a good friend to me as of the last few months over
some minor drama in my life that i'd needed to vent about .... and i'd
begun to be able to say "her" name ... the girl he's been living with
and started dating right after me. the one, no doubt, he was with
(or at least setting up being with) while we were together and who he
left me for. and now, the girl who is his WIFE god that's weird.
that right there, btw, is the reason i have NEVER had any guilt on my
part for him "illicitly" coming to visit me. (not that anything
ever happened with us that would technically brand him a cheater, at
all, but it was still innapropriate behavior on his part. on the part
of a person who is supposedly "in love" with someone else.) but yeh,
that is why no guilt, cuz he was doing god knows what with her while i
was with him, and i know she knew about me to some extent. and
yes i'm like 12 years old. deal with it :-)
AAAANYWAY, i had been in a good place for him to tell me, but once he
told me i informed him i have absolutely zero need for any further
contact with him any more. i am pretty sure that is the right
thing for me, right? i mean, talking to an ex who is LIVING with the
woman who he left me for is retarded enough, but married is just too
much. mind you though, the contact was NOT from me, in fact it
was mostly (ok like um 70-30ish) him. just to clarify :)
it's a weird feeling though. my friends have kindly told me i'm
handling it really well, and if i do say so i am .. i didn't cry and
still haven't. occasionally i remember it or picture how they are
like so in love and saying
things like "i can't wait to spend my life with you" (i dunno,
what do engaged/just married couples say?) and that kinda kicks me in
the stomach. ok, with the force of a boulder. but then i breathe
through it for a minute and it's gone. i have too much happiness
and goodness in my life right now and too HUGE HUGE HUGE a future to
dwell on some idiot who i never even had any intense connection with
cept for a few moments here and there throughout the almost year we
were "together."
ya know, those moments when he felt like being nice. when he felt like paying attention to me. when he felt like
"gracing" me with some affection, either physical (hug) or emotional
(kindness.) when he wasn't running away. the few moments
there were nice. we had some nice times. but the heartache
i put myself through constantly waiting for him highly outweighs the
few nice times. i was never head-over-heels that's for
sure. it was occasional comfort. sadly for me,
pathetically, whatever, it was the longest amount of time i've
spent with anyone romantically, and yes we were close and were still
quite close/comfortable at least on my part (since i'd continue to tell
him all the different goings-on in my life) but i don't need
that. i have amazing friends who of course just eclipse anything
i could possibly gain from him ever.
MY future is wide open and
amazing and filled with ANY possibility i choose to motivate my little
slacker-ass to achieve. i know i can do anything i
want. i just have
to put that to fucking use and not be lulled into comfortable
laziness/slacking. (sidenote: that's the other reason i have to
stop working
55 plus hours EVERY week, not to mention the early and later days which
top 60 i'm sure; i honestly am drained/exhausted at the end of
every day/week and never in the mood to check out more fucking
schooling, but unless i want the rest of my life to be this crappy long
work with not even any financial benefit, i gotta get motivated.
ok? ok. good. end rant.//)
anyway, as BNL says, "as your road narrows, so mine grows wider..." so enjoy, sweetie, enjoy, cuz i know i will. i KNOW i will. :-D
anyway i don't really know what the point of this entry was, cept just to be a cathartic release of these thoughts.
OH, and if you care about me in the slightest, next time you talk to me
or when you think of it, BUG ME/REMIND ME TO CHECK OUT SCHOOLS and talk
to the DEPT. of ED, etc around here .... please?
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 30th, 2005|09:44 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | hurt | ] |
| [ | music |
| | zero 7 (still) | ] |
northern california. yes, please :-) OH my damn GOD i had such an amazing time ... i miss my sister soooo very much it was wonderful to see her and her new boy danny, he was lovely and very nice to me of course, and was just SO refreshingly normal and relaxed ...YAY!
my trip: i want to highlight the funny things that happened cuz there were plenty (of COURSE with my sis) ....started at 5am saturday, grabbing a cab outside here and the driver, first thing when i'm on like only 2.5 (MAYBE) hours of sleep was like "did you hear about the cabbie who was murdered here?" as we drove onto washington street!! HAHAHAH i'm like dude, it's 5am, i'm on my way to california, WHAAAAAAAAT?!?!? HAHAHAH oh man ....
i arrive and we go in the city to have AMAZING dim sum (sis said it was a very san francisco thing to do heh) and as we go to the car after eating sister and i make a commercial by accident!! HAHA! so at the same time we were like "you still smoke?" "yeh, you?" so she was like what do you smoke ... and i was like well my roommate smokes parliaments and i've grown kinda attached to them... but i said it hesitatingly and then we both look at each other and are like "RECESSED FILTERS!!!" HAHAHAHAHAHAH was amusing to us cuz ... well, it's us :-) i always forget how much like my sister i am; the intense personality, the loud laughing outbursts (which i'd been lacking lately, was SO good to get that back for a weekend :-)) i would never think i am like her cuz she's exceptional looking, exceptional personality(and then there's me)... but FUCK that i'm sick of putting myself down, it seeps into every pore and people pick up on it. i will only show "YAY SARAH" from now on :-) um, YAY!!! hehe....
so we took danny's doggie with us on a ride down route 1, the coastal/cliffs/ocean SOOO amazing .... OH, sis doesn't have kaya any more (her sweet dog) cuz aidan, her ex, won't let her. HE, however, is unable to take care of kaya though, so she is with HIS MOM!!! how sad is he, such the example of why pot is ok in moderation but too much will, literally, make you fucking STUPID and LAZY and worthless. yeh. anyway ;-) we chilled and played in the yard and at night i got a kick ass haircut by sissy's friend who is a dresser and then we all went out to an amazing dinner/drinks jen (my sister i realize i haven't referred to her as jen yet haha) anyway jen knows the chef so we got a round of drinks at least and like 5 hors d'voures (uh, sp?) all comped. fucking cool to know people haha :-)
it was slightly surreal to see my sister outside "family chill time" and into "out in a bar with some friends and boyfriend" and being a little buzzed (she was) and watching her kiss and kiss and hug danny like i would if i had a wonderful boyfriend like him ... we really are so alike :-) we've really not gone out together, what with living about as far apart as possible while still in the same country. boo i miss sissy.
sunday was relaxing, danny made breakfast and sis and i shopped later when he went out with his mom, and tried to get pedicures but no place was open grr.... and we grilled amazing food for dinner and had cake too for his mom's bday (why he was out with her earlier) and then ended up going to this amazing tavern/club called sweetwater, it has had EVERYONE there, like the dead, (also jerry by himself) etta james, elvis costello...etc etc ... very cool ... anyway my little hairdresser got wasted and was like making out with a few guys and sis was ready to leave her there cuz apparently she does this every time (she's going through a really sad breakup, which is why...) but the most hilarious quote ever was in fact from her drunk little butt ... she finally gets into the car, and is like "i'm SOOOOOOO WET!! OH MY GOD i'm SOOO FUCKING WET you guys!!!!" we're all like EEEEEEEEEEEW HAHAHAHHAHAHA
oh, and apparently a brazilian is the only way to go. HAHA. sis mooned her girl friends to show how great it was hahhahah.
when sissy had to work monday morning i drove her in and go to use her car YAY, "picture this" (HAHA curtis that phrase will never be the same) ... little sarah cruising down route 101 in california in sissy's little jetta....i was pretty fucking happy in that moment :-)
OH, and karla, you will be very proud of me, i FUCKING RULED at the stick, no stalling no issues at all heeeeheeee ... and with an older jetta which is a hard transmission, i SO win :-)
the only bad part of the trip (besides its shortness) was when we went out and i had a few drinks so was "thoughtful" or contemplative or whatever ... and i sat there surrounded by tons of people in this awesome club....
and i felt overwhelmingly alone.
i was watching sis knowing people in the bar, danny's people and her own .... and FUCK i missed my friends as usual. i am so just overwhelmingly alone in boston. i consider matt my good friend and i also consider celeste my good friend. she's a fucking riot so funny and fun. however, i'm not confident in either person's "reciprication" ... and MOTHER FUCKER i miss my crew. i want to add my crew to celeste. i want to FUCKING HAVE PEOPLE AROUND ME!
people besides a roommate who probably feels smothered by my (sometimes) inability to be very independent.
but anyway, point being, she is SO settled in that area, she's been there for almost 10 years now amazingly. i just want that. i saw her with darren (basically her curtis) who lives right near her and OH MY lord i wanted that. but i know i can't follow friends just to be near to them. i know i will settle in eventually it's been barely 1.5 years since i moved here ... just i dunno i'm in a weird place right now. i think a lot of it is my job of course, i adore my girl but again, as i always whine about, its time for a change. i'm looking into the certificate, at least to start. at least to move on.
i am very happy and very ready to play. dispite how this entry may sound. ready to play. who wants to join?
i will get settled in here. even if it does take me that 10 years heh.
i fucking love you all. :-P |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 15th, 2005|11:30 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  sad | ] |
| [ | music |
| | zero 7 | ] |
i should go home soon to see daddy .... i told most of you but he had a routine test and they found some high levels or whatever in a routine prostate check at his last physical so they did some biopsies and he has fucking prostate cancer .... it's clearly contained and most likely early and (GOD i hope) easily treated ...but still fucked up and scary my poor papa ....
what else non-depressing .. geez i suck! the apt is good, stays freakin hot but well, i really don't mind that so works out ok haha... sabrina is f-ing amazing, talking a TON more and more and MORE each day and well she loves me (haha) and we are having fun running around! it's more and more busy with her it's cool, but the days are still way too long .... i am gonna look into (FINALLY) getting my public school teaching certification, for early childhood ed, i'd be certified up til 3rd grade and i wouldn't wanna teach above that anyway ... i'm just like it is SOO very much time for a change. i was picking sharon's brain the other weekend about what she had to do and how it was etc so i've got a feel for what i would have to do. it'll be really hard to say bye bye to doodoo (haha) but man, it'd be orgasmiclly AWESOME to have a work day that actually ENDS at the designated ENDING time and not at least 1 hour later .... i DO realize how much work outside of the classroom is necessary but man, at least you're home and can get shit done on your own. as madly (MADLY!!) in love with sabrina as i seriously am, it reminds me EVERY second i'm there why i do NOT want children any time even close to soon, if ever possibly.
anyway ... what else... i got fastlane thingy (YAY for easy pike travel!) and signed up for netflix so matt and i can watch good movies during dinner 'stead of SHITTY TV hahah.... dude we both have such long days we just PLOP and eat and lay around most week nights man .... such lil stoners we are teehee ehem anyway ...
OOOOO i'm going to california to see sissy in san francisco and to meet her new boyfriend that she's living with in a new house (sigh no WONDER i have a complex about men/relationships... it's ALWAYS constant and so easy for both my gorgeous brother and gorgeous sister and then ... there's me... sigh ... the "exotic" looking one as my mommy tried to tell me as a child :-) but ANYWAY yeh .... vaca in ca with the coolest girl i know (ehem, ok the coolest girl who is related to me, my girls are amazing) i am SUPER excited of course. what else have i been up to .... last weekend (or a few ago) el came up and we hung here saturday around the city (the harbor area, beautiful) and headed up to portland that night for dinner and some karla-ness haha... i'm sorry to say this here if anyone cares but her friend aaron is SOOO cute and has this personality (like always on the verge of a laugh/smirk about something)that just totally fascinates me ... i rode with him to the little bar that had a band covering the whole album abby road SO cool ... although people didn't want to pay the cover (well, sarah kinda couldn't and people didn't want to deal) anyway so we listened outside a bit (sar and i were baked anyway hahha) and moved on, hit a bunch more bars etc...sarah is SO precious we had SO much fun i really do love hanging out with her too. i love how karla just expands my friendship world haha... although i help her too, i mean curtis is hers b/c of me :-D
i wonder if i ate something (or i'm pregnant by the non-existant sex in my life right now HAHAHA) cuz as a sidenote i was just suddenly nauseous... matt must have been like uumm..... oh well :-) i feel better now though after throwing up (the WORST thing in the world almost btw) ...
anyway ... yeh ... i guess it's different than some people how my friends tend to meld nicely together mostly ....roomie is amused that most IMs i get are now "sar/matt?" since we both use this computer so cute :-)
as i've often complained about, i'm SO fucking manic ... i mean as i always say i shouldn't say that cuz it's not THAT bad, but DAAAMN do i have moodswings. the thought of the smallest thing will set me off into either sadness (thick sadness) or happiness (like psychotic euphoric happiness) like AAAAHHHH can't i just be calm... and stable ... sigh ... i mean of course, again, to reiterate, i should not compare it to real mental illness, cuz like some of you will know, jess bennett for example, i am not thank GOD... but i'm just a mess. i guess i'm just very intense so my emotions swing .. intensely... in both/either direction. argh. i need to shut up.
i hope i don't get nauseous again. i really REALLY fucking hate that.
wah. belly doesn't like me. wah. WAH! hahah.... |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 19th, 2005|10:05 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | peaceful | ] |
| [ | music |
| | joan osborne, st. theresa (yay for limewire!) | ] |
hola mi lovies ... as always life is lovely and crazy and slightly dramatic in sarahland :-D had a LOVELY weekend with karla and sarah, was SOO good to see my girl and sarah is awesome ... matt put up with us pretty well, haha, as we all got drunker (drunker?) it was easier and easier to all go crazy ....oh yeah, cept when i spilled beers like 50 times (ok like twice)!!! poor karla... oops :-) anyway yeh, we rocked out sat night downtown a bit, fri was dinner and drinks in, which was cozy and nice too ....
what else has been going on.... the new apt is great, i hope i'm not annoying matt TOO much hahah ... has been nice to have someone around to pick up the slack sometimes ... and give me cigarettes too hahah!! house warming was a lot of fun, dispite the fact that NONE of my core group ('cept viv) could come, booo was sad, but otherwise was mucho fun ... i liked most of matt's friends, people behaved well, (ie, no puking and drama and whatnot) and of course, sabrina's appearance was a hit, the girls especially SO loved her and matt tried to convince her to "be his friend" since she still has her male-wary fears :-) it was ASS HOT so we went swimming YAY, and bro came and (mostly) behaved... haha...
p.s. sigh, speaking of bro, here is the saddest thing i've experienced in a long time: my bro called me today cuz i called him last night with my friends cuz we were out by his fave downtown boston hotel...ANYway, he called and i could immediately tell he was drunk (mind you, also this was like 5:30-6pm sunday night) he talked "normally" (trying to) for a few, but quickly was like yeh "this monster won't leave me alone... you can tell i'm drunk, it's a fucking monster this alcoholism i dont' know what to do to beat it ....i wrestle demons every single day ..." and he was SOBBING through trying to speak to me .... and was like "i thought all i wanted was to make ALL this money, and i've made it and am still fucked" and ON and on .... it was just horrifying, specially since i could HEAR the pain and sobs in his voice ... mom has told me before that when he calls me all a mess and drunk i should calmly tell him i don't want to talk to him when he's like that, but i just can NOT bring myself to tell him that! he is always SO weak and broken by that time!
THEN, the kicker, the best part, it is fathers day today so we mentioned how we talked to my dad and he actually talked to his bio-dad (yes we have diff dads) and he was sobbing and said steve (dad) told him just outright when he said "so dad when you coming to see my beautiful apartment etc etc" steve was like "oh i'd love to, but i just found out i have lung cancer and am going in to start chemo, etc " (i guess he had prostate cancer a while back and it's spread to his lungs now?) so my bro was absolutely BROKEN by this of course .... he has NO relationship with his dad, he was NEVER there for him, and now to fucking hear this?!?!?!?! WTF how is an alcoholic supposed to react ... he grabbed his liquor and gee, GOT IN HIS CAR ... i'd asked him where he was, and he's like "flying in my car" (ie, going way too fast) i was literally almost crying but NEEDED to stay calm for him ... it was sooo horrible ... i did NOT know what to do to possibly help him!! bro had been dry for about 6 months actually .... but as he said, alcoholism is a fucking monster .... i was SO sad for him... and SO grateful that i don't have those genes (they are from HIS dad's side mostly) ...
he did call back about an hour or 2 later, calmer, and was like sorry our convo got way hard earlier i was just kicked by that news today etc... i could tell he was sobering up and on his way to meet some friends to have FOOD and chill out (he promised no more drinks) sigh ... anyone with any experiences in these situations, help would rule.
i hope you take a few mins to read through that long entry (at least the steven part) i could use some suggestions. i at least feel better that he called back to say he was better ... it was beyond heart wrenching though to hear my big brother, mister ALWAYS strong and confident to the point of cocky, mister perfect, mister suave....to hear his sobs and inability to talk and fear and pain over his FUCKING loser of a dad who never gave him any love .... oh MAN ... that call hurt me almost (ALMOST) as much as him .... argh |
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sarahjayne79's journal